Silent Tears-

It has been so long since I have written to you Silent Tears. I have been getting drunk and high. It started with only getting 2 hours of sleep one night and the next day I couldn’t put thoughts together I wasn’t hearing my own voice. I was hearing nothing and being flat in my personality. It was my schizophrenia that was debilitating me. Here I am a week or so later up at 3:30 in the morning after drinking and getting high last night and my schizophrenia is what’s bothering me now, and again. Sitting at my computer is surreal. Like I was gone, and it doesn’t feel familiar to me. I know what the solution is now. Because it is my mental health and demons that are the problem, I have to treat all aspects of my life with God and mentally. I don’t feel a lot right now and I would like to. My feelings get to be too much for me though. I realized too that I don’t know how to live. I need a 12-step program to live this life and live it clean. I am going to go to one of my 12-step groups I am in. It is the solution to my behavior that I have been missing. Now when will I go? I don’t know it is Friday morning and there is a Saturday morning meeting. It is online. But will I get clean and stay clean? I have some liquor left but I am fresh out of weed. So, it seems fitting to quit today but will I be able to handle it? I don’t know if I can take getting high and drunk anymore either. I literally have sat here staring at nothing, being high, and that’s it. It is bad is an understatement. Who wants to live like that. Apparently, I do because that is all I have been doing. I don’t like being like this. I already want this day to be over. I need more sleep but don’t know if I will get any more. Well, it was nice to say something, but I definitely don’t feel right. I’ll end. End.