Silent Tears-

I am just going to write. My thoughts aren’t complete, and I am in rough shape mentally, but I need to work some things out on paper instead of just thinking about them and then forgetting them. I don’t know…I am failing at being me. I read this thing on Facebook that said I hope you get sober because I would love to see the real you again. That is hitting me pretty deep. I want to be the real me again, but I don’t believe that I can. I can’t go back with anything I have said or done until this point in time. I want to know how would I write the ending to my story? What does my happily ever after look like in this life. I come up blank. Maybe I have been fed too many Disney movies that “happily ever after” only comes from love and a man. At least they were men back in my day. I am hungover. This sucks. When I drink my schizophrenia acts up really bad. It is like I don’t care. Like it is not enough for me to lose what I have gained mentally. Then not only lose what I got back but make my mental state that much worse. I think I am waiting for it to click like a light bulb just goes on and I am clean. Recovery has clicked for me before. It has worked for me before too. I got away from step work on the recommendation of my then sponsor. I want that. Where I can work and not have to do step work or have to do the work period. Some of that is me and some is my mental health. I want to have life, and I don’t have it. I don’t even have money for food. I buy cigarettes instead. I have noticed I get a lot of my wants, but my needs don’t get met. I am not even sure what my needs are anymore. I need money and that’s about as far as I get with a budget too. What does my fairy tale ending look like for me…just me. It looks like an end to the dysfunctional relationships…all of them. It looks like me being alone and loving it. To love my own company again. It looks single and no children. I would be a truck driver again. So, from today what does it look like: 1. dumping my alcohol 2. taking a shower 3. I need to do laundry before I shower. I think today is going to be a dark day coming off alcohol and drugs. I have done it so many times. I just wish one time would be the last time. So, after I do those things today. I still have a lot of time on my hands. I will need to attend a meeting tomorrow. I will need to get a sponsor. I will need to work the steps. I have the desire to be clean and the willingness to work the 12 steps. It is painful to think about having to walk back into “the rooms” and act like everything is fine. This is why I am going to do a meeting, because I can be clean but if the behavior is not seen by the person and corrected then I will end up relapsing. So, I can know all this but once again knowledge doesn’t get me anywhere unless I apply it then it is wisdom and then there is change. I want to be 100% on what my fairy tale ending looks like… So, I get clean this time. I work the 12 steps; I will get a job not as a truck driver. Then there is a break I see, like just jumping tracks to being a truck driver and I am all happy and normal again. I will be a truck driver again in my fairy tale and I will go up in the rapture. I have to ask myself what am I seeking though? Seek and you will find. If I seek life I won’t get it. I have to lose my life to Christ in order for me to be blessed with life. One of those paradoxical things. I guess my fairy tale ending seems boring to me and a lot of work, that I am not motivated today to do. I shouldn’t go by today though. It is day number 1 again. Well, it has taken me about a half hour to write this, but it was difficult to stay focused. Well, I have inflicted this upon myself again. I think it is time I get to the solution. End.