Silent Tears-

I am not sure what to do with myself today. I am in darkness again from using. The only way out is to feel the pain or use. I am supposed to do cocaine today. The person hasn’t gotten it, yet I want to just throw it out if I get it, but I doubt I will. I want a way out and I am leaving a way out to use. I just don’t want to feel this way anymore. I have planned to go to a meeting at 10:00 and I know that will help, but it doesn’t make the road I am on any less difficult. I am going to call about a job today too. I need. I need life some sort of life otherwise I will stay in this cycle with my life. So, I am stuck in the teenager Dezaray just coming off living with my mother and getting into trouble with the law. So, what I did in my teenage years is use. I would get into trouble do good for a short time then go back to using. I would work, go to school, and live my life but always return to using. So where does this come from? Why am I doing these things. It is because of the dysfunction of home growing up, coming mainly from my mother. She was an alcoholic not using when I grew up, but she was never there for me emotionally. So, what do I do now? Work at it. I have this critical inner parent that condemns me for every little thing I do its roots are in how I grew up. It affected me then and still affects me today. I hate it. How I wish I had a better life than the one I was given. I don’t know why I got the shaft and others get extremely blessed. God doesn’t owe me an explanation either, although I want one. I am depressed still. I have learned from this that when I am in a low and something happens, I immediately run to drugs. I don’t know what I will do today. I am in a mood where I don’t give a shit, I just don’t want to feel this way. It is not real inspiring to be using. End.