Silent Tears-

Today is my first day clean again. Yesterday I didn’t use but had used past midnight. This is what I am going to do. A 12-step program and church. There are things to do for both. I need to go to meetings, meet another woman to share my recovery journey with, daily meditations, and work the steps. For church I need to pray daily, read God’s word daily, go to church for fellowship, and watch sermons to study God’s word. I also have Silent Tears to do and items to sell on Facebook. So, I have a big to do list. I feel at times that it is overwhelming and then don’t do anything but sit here. This war will not be won in a day or a week or even a month likely not within a year either. It is a life battle and as long as I am living, I need to do those things. I feel like I made a lot of traction since yesterday. I did sleep for a long time which was nice. I still woke up tired but that is from my depression, and some can be counted to my using. I realized instead of living in the solution I have been hardening my heart towards my life and in result destroying it. I would say I have it this time like I have arrived at my destination, but I have not and never will until I reach my eternal destination of heaven. So, I went to a meeting yesterday. I woke up this morning and was still in darkness and beaten down to hopelessness. I attended a meeting at 07:00 and shared too. I felt so much better even saying that is an understatement. It is miraculous how well I felt. It is starting to wear off a little, but my mood is more stable. Also, I can write today. My last few entries I couldn’t write. I couldn’t concentrate or put my thoughts together, but today I can. I am having more problems with my brain now that I used. I am 39 years old, and it isn’t like it used to be where I can just use and I bounce back the next day. No, it will likely take months to just get back to something I had, which wasn’t good enough then but today that is what I want. I have to remember none of this is about what I want anymore but it is all about what I need. I have been talking to myself in my head as a loving parent. When I criticize, I correct myself when I am focused on others, I bring it back to me what am I doing…what am I doing wrong? What is the solution? I sound like I have it all together, but I don’t. I have to remember that the good I am doing for myself is enough. I am enough. I am not perfect and never will be, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have value. I learned today from the meeting what defects I have in the workplace, and I am not going to take any job but a truck driving job. Obviously, since I have drugs in my system I have to wait until at least March, which sucks but this is a consequence of my actions of doing my own will, with being rebellious. There is a lot wrong with me yet and maybe I will never fell healed again but I do have hope now when earlier there was none. Hope is invaluable it can help you hold on in the darkest of situations. Sometimes I lose my hope. I am grateful for 12-step programs today and sharing. End.