Silent Tears-

Today has been a rough day. I woke up around 06:30 and was tired but want to stay on a sleeping schedule, so I stayed awake anyways. I went to an early meeting and felt really good. Then I felt trapped…trapped in my apartment. I was really feeling trapped on the inside. I decided to use my last fuel to go to the pantry even though I needed it for my medicine. I went to the pantry and became exhausted and yawning. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted a way out, so I called someone, and they didn’t answer. This made me feel better. I was feeding my need to feel abandoned, and it worked so I felt better. It is comfortable to me to stay sick where I am and to use drugs. It is uncomfortable to feel anything else. I realized today I don’t know how to have fun again. I believe that having money will take away my pain, but it won’t. I really am desperate for change I have to wait at least a month now to get it though. I have decided to honor my words to God that I don’t know what he wants me to do with a job, but that I said yes to being a truck driver again so that is exactly what I am going to do. I have to wait at least a month to have a clean system, but then I will apply. I will stay in this cycle if I don’t get a truck driving job and I am worth it. It is worth it to be clean and heal it will take time and going through pain not numbing it. Either way is painful, choose wisely. I always choose drugs because I think it’s fun. That is a lie I tell myself. I lie to myself a lot, about nothing either. Just lying to be lying. Satan is the father of all lies. This should tell you how far from God I have fallen. I remembered today that I am royalty, in Christ. I don’t have fuel left and was going to break the law today to get money, but it didn’t happen. Then shortly after like within 30 minutes I was sent a message that someone wants to buy an item off Facebook tomorrow. Just like that God shows up. I didn’t believe he would, but he has. Also, after I made a phone call and I was feeling so horrible it’s hard to describe how bad I felt but a fellow sister in Christ called me. She said that she didn’t have much time but that everywhere she was today she just thought of me. The Lord put me on her heart because He knew I needed someone to talk to. I have been feeling so good since then. I even looked in the mirror and thought I looked beautiful. Very different from my silent abuse thinking that I am ugly because I weigh a lot. If no one told you beauty is not determined by your weight but by your heart, for the Lord sees your heart and sees your beauty. Thank you, Jesus, for showing me you want me back in your kingdom. Thank you for bringing me someone I needed when I couldn’t think to reach out. May you get any and all the glory. End.