Silent Tears-

What a good day. I cried, and I healed. 12-step programs have brought me back to myself. I have fallen so far from who I was and the good that was in me. I can never take back things I have done although I wish I could. I lost self-respect, self-love, and my dignity. Things that can never go back to what they were but could have more of after some time working on myself. I cried a lot today, but they were healing tears. I realized I feel pain and not much else. Meaning I don’t know how to identify and name my feelings I just know it hurts. I wrote a goodbye letter to my soul mate today. I have learned these last few days that I think of him to take my eyes of myself because I am in pain and want to feel some type of love even if it is made up in my head. It is unhealthy and I cannot grow as a person if my mind and heart are on another person especially a man who I claim to love. I will write less about it as that is the only way I can really let him go. I cried after writing the letter but felt healthier about it. I know I could never be the wife he needed or the mother of children that he would need. I recognize that things are just the way they should be.

I colored a picture today with colored pencils. It was a princess picture. It actually is me as a queen. I didn’t get the detail all perfect like I wanted but I still looked beautiful. It is hard for me to call myself beautiful when I weigh 275 lbs. And I know I can be so much more beautiful physically. Although, I don’t want men to stare at me, to look at me in that way. I get replused just thinking about it. So, I guess I got what I want. I maybe fat but no man will look at me and lust after me or come up to me and ask me out, that is just what I want from men complete silence. I know I am not called to be a wife or mother and I find joy in that. I won’t further the cycle of dysfunction that was passed down to me. Breaking the cycle. A lot of progress today and that is a good day. End.