Silent Tears-

I can’t take it anymore today. I feel so depressed having written that letter to my soul mate. It hurts my heart. I won’t let myself cry about it. I just keep getting angrier and angrier. The way things are with him and my life in this world. I have to grieve the life I never had and the woman I once was but can’t be again.

I don’t even know who I am anymore. I feel like my soul mate will never love me and because he loves another, he can never love me. I like to believe that my heart or a person’s heart can only love one other person. Why? Why has God cursed me with being a woman. Why has God cursed me with this life filled with sorrow and pain? When?… When will this hell end? I don’t have anything good to cling to today. I am trying to cling to my feelings that feel good but my mind keeps going back to the pain over this. I feel unworthy of love. I feel like I am not good enough for him. I wish it didn’t matter this much to me. I can’t change any of it. Why stay here in a place of pain if there is nothing I can do about it. Why not just let him go? I know it is healthier and will make me feel better. I am living in fantasy with it anyways. I have to tell myself that love with him is/was just not real. It was nothing just things I made up in my head.

Then I go back to I am not crazy he really did like me. Even if he did it doesn’t change anything and is not helpful to me or him. I guess I just don’t want to be alone in the love department like I always am. I choose the wrong friends and the wrong men, him included. I chose him because I can’t have him. I am so sick. I am feeling better today though and more like myself. I went to a meeting at noon and have had a good day it has just gotten to me now though. I will end, staying in the problem will not help me.End.