Silent Tears-

What is there to say? I am high once again. I haven’t written in a few days because of this. I like to journal it is very therapeutic but once I pick up, I just shut it down. I desire to be clean, but I am still using. It came on suddenly on the 3^rd when I got paid. Go to the casino or go to Michigan. So, Michigan it was. It is tough to live this way. I need to do dishes it is kind of ridiculous. I went grocery shopping yesterday instead of going to the casino. I got Mt. Dew and some toiletries. I don’t want my story to end this way. What to do? Go back to a 12-step group. Does one group and church the whole big sha bang. I am slightly interested in this. But my recovery group wasn’t the same when I returned. It will never be the same. I want to quit but can’t stay clean for more than a week or so. I won $149 at the bar on Monday, and I won $59 yesterday but put the $59 back in a machine and pull tabs. It is a tough life living this way. I am in the thick of it and still haven’t gotten completely out. I told a sister in Christ that I would be at prayer group, and I am not going on Saturday. Throw myself out. I miss me. I can’t be me and use drugs. I’ll end. End.