Silent Tears-

I have been drinking and got high all day. When I drink after getting high it takes my buzz away, so I have to keep smoking pot and drinking and back and forth to keep a good buzz. I reached out to my mom today for help. She is going to pay to get a new battery for my car and give me fuel money. After what she did to me I still went back to here for money. That is her power over me, and I play right into it to get the results and things I want. I have had a lot of revelations today, but I won’t remember them because I am high and drunk. Pretty sad. I have cried out to the Lord today telling Him that I have all these gifts, but I don’t use one of them. I am not going to say I want to be a truck driver because all I want to do now is live my life as a stoner. It was what I always wanted to be free and smoke pot and get high and pretend I am a happy normal person. When will that delusion leave me? I took my mother’s help, but at a high price. No apology just acting like nothing happened. I am in this cycle of my own behavior…I pick out people who are just as sick as I am and I jump into a relationship because of what I can get out of them. I get my needs and wants met this way without having to do any work. I am a sluggard. It is not me. I hate it. I want to be diligent and fruitful, but it means nothing without action they are just meaningless thoughts unless you act on them good or bad. I want to say in this life. I can’t afford to use drugs anymore this month I will have to be undercover manipulative Dezaray to get more drugs, which is possible just will take some work. I will do anything to get my drugs but will do nothing for the Lord. I know I have to get clean. Not just quit drugs but live the recovery life again. It will be humbling to walk back into the rooms in Green Bay. My response to people who know me… I don’t want to be here I have to be here. I don’t even know how to grocery shop… sounds stupid like you just go to a store and buy your food. Well, I went to Woodmans today and I didn’t know what to get. I usually go to the pantry, and it is chosen for me. I lost this valuable opportunity to feel the pain of having nothing and rise back from the nothing that I feel now, compared to the victory I would feel in Jesus Christ if I had a job as a truck driver. The thing is I am different. There is no denying that, but I have traveled the road of recovery before, and I know what to do. It is putting my heart and mind to it and doing it. It is going to be painful, but I don’t know when I am going to return to living clean, I just want to be high all the time right now. My meds are now all in order I just haven’t started taking them yet. Once I start taking that med there is no reason to use to cope anymore. Here is the problem I am an addict and still want to get high now. Once you pop you can’t stop. I would rather be dead than be what I am today. I have to find that place inside that no one else can go or touch me at, a safe place within. I am a rambling drunk now, so I’ll end. End.