Silent Tears-

I have come down from being high today. I am not high now but was most of the day. After the high left me I finally felt content in my own skin. That is what I am searching for but without having to use drugs. I want to say I am going to quit tomorrow, but this is a dysfunctional pattern. I say I am going to quit because I have no way to support my addictions so then I quit for a while then when I have money bam, I am back at it again. So, my answer was no I am not quitting tomorrow I am going to get drunk since I can’t afford my pot. My mother texted me on Valentine’s Day and I didn’t reply. Then I texted my mother for help getting my car fixed. On the topic of my mother. She has to go but it is not her it is me. I have to stop contacting her, but I need her until I can support myself again. I am a people pleaser to the core so much that it hurts me but will make someone else feel better. I hate feelings. I can’t handle them they are too strong and intense. I like using pot because then I don’t feel the feelings. On the other hand. I sit in my chair all day just being high listening to my own voice and doing nothing but thinking. It is so sad and no matter how much I know this I still don’t want to give up my Mary Jane. I can’t just quit this time I need to do recovery there is a difference…I don’t want to. Like a child. It is so painful to see the new ways that I am sick. I don’t know if there is even hope for this. I will always be abnormal either way so why not get high the rest of my life. The truth is that is not life at all it is death. I can’t deny it…Hi, “My name is Dezaray and I am an addict.” End.