Silent Tears-

I am my own abuser. I abandoned myself to please my mother and minimize her actions so that I could have her help with money. This is another low for me. I have no self-respect or self-worth. I don’t love myself because if I did, I would have let myself suffer financially to learn the lesson, but no. I hate feelings so much that I will just stuff them. I asked myself how I felt now that I let my mother back in my life and betrayal was the answer. I feel betrayed not only by my mother but now by myself for dismissing the fact that there is an issue between me and my mother. This is the dysfunction: that I go on in this relationship not talking, not feeling because I am stuffing them, and going on like nothing has happened. That is dysfunction. I am so hurt. I can’t take care of myself financially though, so what do I do? Suffer, yes, to learn. Did I? No. I chose to manipulate and be my own abuser. I don’t even know how to put this into words mainly because I am just getting clean again and my brain is mush. My brain is mush even when I am not using it is the curse of mental illness. I am so sick and tired of this. End.