Silent Tears-

I started reading “Self-Matters” by Dr. Phil. I had started to read this in recovery before but never finished it and since I believe it will complement the 12 steps, I am going to read it as it is what I can do FOR myself right now. I am on the first chapter, and these are the questions and my response: Is this the kind of life you want? No. Is this the kind of career you want. No, I do not want to be a career drug addict and law breaker. Are you fulfilling your purpose for being on this earth? What is my purpose? To be a truck driver again? To do only Silent Tears. Do both? Why is truck driving my purpose? I don’t know if truck driving is my purpose anymore, but it was, and I think it still is. God doesn’t change His mind. If His purpose for me was to be a truck driver then that is what it still is. How will being a truck driver Glorify God and will it? I am not fulfilling my purpose on this earth because my purpose, I know 100%, is not to live on disability. My purpose is to work. To find my identity in Christ again. My purpose is to serve God. My purpose it to overcome and love my life. My purpose is to write this story down good and bad, so others can know that they aren’t alone, and they are not the only ones struggling with things. That another person not in their lives suffers and they can relate to. I think I have to do one or the other. Truck driving or Silent Tears. If I don’t become a truck driver again there is no overcoming everything I have been through and everything I have done. There is no happy ending to my fairy tale. I think that I can’t be a truck driver right now. Because I am not doing 100%. Because I won’t be the perfect employee, I actually might be an employee who struggles. I was notified by another person that I have the right to show up. I am not 100%, but I can show up and work to the best of my ability. I will likely be an employee who struggles but I can still learn and with time and practice become better. As I am writing this out, I am thinking that why do I believe that I can’t work. I have been able to work before and do it just fine. Ah I am not the same. Right, I am not the same, but that doesn’t mean I can’t work. I want to make the verbal commitment to quit using drugs and alcohol, but I have said this before and still ended up going back to drugs, gambling, and alcohol etc. So, I won’t make the commitment, and my words don’t mean anything anymore. I have abandoned myself. I have let my mother hurt me again. She hurts me because she isn’t there for me emotionally. It is not about her. It is about me. I am angry at her. I am angry at myself. I have to grieve the loss of my life and the person I was. To grieve the childhood and I didn’t have. To grieve the mother, I didn’t have. She has to go, and I have to get out my feelings about this first before I confront this and I need to work on myself more. I also need her money. Is this an excuse to go on in the dysfunction. Yes. Why? I don’t want to feel the pain of poverty. When it could teach me so much. I ripped myself off of the opportunity to struggle financially so that I can enjoy having money from being a truck driver later. My decision…it is final…I won’t make it because I won’t keep it. Has to be done one day at a time. One problem at a time. One sentence of love to myself every day. It is overwhelming already. I had a med change, and I am not sure what is the medicine and what is taking place from not using. I am doing better. I got so much done yesterday without the big struggle and I am getting a lot done today too. I feel like I am doing good, but this is a deception I tell myself so that I later can use. Instead of being healthy with truth and love in my head my main voice to myself just lies all the time. I have to correct my thinking with words then I get so frustrated that I have to do it just to have a chance at life again when other people are just given normal. I don’t think I will be able to ever let that go because I see no need why I have to suffer like this, and they just get it. It hurts…I hate being me…again. I am depressed and I am coming off drugs. A lot today and I don’t like writing this much but needed to work some things out on paper instead of it just jumbling around in my head so thank you Silent Tears. End.