Silent Tears-

Good afternoon. I need to get this all out so it might be a longer entry. This is what I am feeling, hurt, emotional agony, and dismayed. My mother, over a month ago, betrayed me. It was the last straw in our relationship for me. I had this unspoken rule if you love my cousin who molested me…”get the fuck out of my life!” My mother did this she talked to my cousin over the phone, in my house, and then blamed my bi-polar for the way I reacted. I can’t do this anymore. Where my feelings are wrong, where everything I do comes from and is dysfunction. I think its laying me out today. I am physically sick, sore throat, I think this is God’s way of telling me she has to go for good, and I know that, but this isn’t on her this is on me because I responded to her text. I knew not to but also knew that she will help me financially. So, she agreed to pay for a new battery for my car and give me fuel money. It is hard to know what to do. I have been using, and the stress of money just gets to me that I just want to give up my apartment and be homeless, so I have money to spend. I thought about seriously giving my 60-day notice where I live in and taking off in my car to just drive and be free. Then I realized I can be homeless and do truck driving and make about $4,000 a month. It is kind of comical to me that I am from one extreme and can get what I want by just getting a job as a truck driver. I have decided once more to quit, but this time I am going to work a recovery program. Now I need to go to in person meetings for 12-step groups in Green Bay. How am I going to get back into recovery if I don’t have money for fuel to get to the meetings? How am I going to repent and not go to church because I have no fuel money. I won’t be able to stay clean or be healthy enough to work. I won’t be able to get a job as a truck driver and keep it if I don’t do these things. So, I am allowing my mother to stay in my life for now to use her for money to be able to get to recovery meetings and in result a job and out of this life. I have to remember this is an internal war. The “fixing” doesn’t come from external success but from healing and the internal work that I choose to do. I really don’t know what to do with my mother, but I am still blaming her and playing victim in our relationship. I have made my choice, and it is all temporary. Endure and suffer now to reach a goal and be successful later. I need to have self-respect though and if I am honest choosing to engage in this relationship will cost me so much more than money. It hurts me mentally and emotionally. I want out but it is out of the dysfunctional behavior that I want gone. Getting my mother out of my life doesn’t change me or set me free but it does allow me to be able to breathe but then I suffer too much financially. Maybe I am just not there yet. To have a voice against people who hurt me like this. I am so tired. I think it is because my mother came over last night and said I love you to me and I intentionally didn’t say it back. I don’t have to either. I couldn’t sleep because of it. There is just so much. I can’t do it all at once, so easy does it, but do it. I am just hurting a lot today. I think my main thing is I betrayed myself and it isn’t true to who I am to do this… reach out to someone who has cause me so much pain. I am distracted now, I’ll end. End.