Silent Tears-

Music is changing everything right now. I am listening to my Christian mix. I have been burdened all day. I had a dead battery, and a person I hate helped me get it started, and this person is a burden on me. I felt so free yesterday and now I have the same feelings of a burden on me. Today is day 5 of getting back into recovery. I am discouraged though. My phone is going to get shut off for a few days because I went gambling this month and didn’t pay the bill. Now there is nothing left for the rest of March. I don’t know how I am going to get to an in person meeting I am just going to go to one after I get my car fixed. Even if it is just one meeting it will help. I am continuing to attend meetings on Zoom and it is making all the difference. I sat for 20 minutes and had a conversation with my inner child. She is hurting… a lot. I am in crisis mode doing anything and everything for money, but this time it has to be different. I have to let my dysfunctional behavior go otherwise I will fall back into the same old sins. I know to let this person go now because I have used with them. Anytime I break the law I have to be using or I use after because it is too hard to deal with what I have just done. This time I can’t though. I can tell that the burden of this person being in my life is keeping me sick in my head. It has been so dark that I can feel the darkness. It is that bad. It can get better. If I don’t use it will get better. I can’t do these things: gamble, break the law, drink alcohol, and use drugs. If I do not do those things from now on one day at a time it will get better. Not only will it get better but the possibilities of how good it will get is endless, because Jesus can do it all. I connected with the Holy Spirit today and it felt so good, but I think everything has changed and it hasn’t. I have to DO day in and day out for a while to be fully convicted that I have repented of my ways. I am starting to see a difference in my mind from 12-step meetings and medicine. I am restructuring my thinking. I get a lot of condemnation from my critical inner parent, and it is rough. I mean I am telling myself things that make me feel so worthless like anything I am starting to do to recover is wrong and that it is not good enough. I remind myself it is progress not perfection. When I think, just think, of how to repent and be in recovery I get overwhelmed by all the things I need to do, and I have this in my head that I have to do it perfectly otherwise it is not good enough. I am like Joshua right now. I need God to stop the Sun in order to have the victory. The miracle that I need seems impossible especially within 2 months to get a truck driving job and have enough energy to do the job. I have been afraid that I won’t even make it through training because training is 8 hours a day for 4-6 weeks depending on the company. I am starting to believe in myself again though and if I continue on the path of encouragement and believing in myself …I WILL make it and I WILL be able to do the job. My best internal asset these days is the belief that I can learn. If I don’t believe I can do it, ok, maybe I can’t but I can LEARN to do it. I am watching UFC tonight and having a pizza. Having some fun. Clean fun. I have watched Friends recently and Susan is a lesbian. It caused me to watch porn. Yes, there is power in what I watch and what I listen to. I like this saying there is a black dog and a white dog. The black dog is your sin, and the white dog is your spirit. If you put them in a fight who will win? Whichever dog you feed. If I am feeding my addictions, then my addictions will win. If I am feeding my soul with the word of God and anything positive that helps me and then that dog will win and I will get success. Here is a sad truth I have come to know, and it comes from the song Black Bird. That no one really wants me anywhere. People play games, myself included and people usually want something from one another that’s why they are in and stay in sick relationships. It is UFC fight nighttime. I am out. End.