Silent Tears-

I am having the best day. I feel like my good self. Today sarted off like many that I have had where it looked like I just wasn’t going to be able to take it anymore and I decided to go to a 12-step meeting. It helped a lot. I have forgotten a lot too. The reason I am relapsing all the time is reservations. I have a reservation about leaving this person. I want to leave but they owe me money. I need that money otherwise I might not be able to stay clean anyway…too much financial stress. So, I went to a 12-step meeting at 06:00 and another, different, meeting right after at 07:15. After the second meeting I knew both had helped me because I felt it. Feelings aren’t facts but my feelings are valid. After the 2^nd meeting I decided to get rid of my bed frame. I had bought it in November, and it is already broken. It had to be assembled perfectly there wasn’t room for error and of course I didn’t do it perfectly. I would lie in bed the last week or so and it would fall through in the middle and the mattress sink in. I tried duck taping it last night and it still fell apart. When I had gotten it from Amazon and took out the pieces, I knew it had to go back, but my excuse…I need a bed…I don’t have a truck to put it in to return it. All bull shit. I just didn’t want to obey, and I didn’t want to admit I was wrong to buy it. I was trying to spend money on the things I needed instead of just gambling the money away. Sounds like justification to me. I had a laugh about it today though. That all these times this has happened to me where I know to do something or not to do something and I don’t heed it then it doesn’t work out anyway. So why not just obey. I hope I learn these things this time. I made Jiffy Pop today for the first time. It was interesting and not exactly how I thought, but I got it done and didn’t burn it. SUCCESS! Celebrate the little wins hunh? I also made it to church online today. I am working on adding God into my recovery. I need to make my recovery #1 so that I make it through until April…one day at a time. I can’t take on thinking about a job or the future because I fail every time. April is when the drugs will be out of my system, and I can job hunt again. I have put my hope in that before and still failed. Time to learn a lesson. Every time I think about the job, I tell myself not to worry about it just focus on recovery. It is simpler to think and focus on one thing than to take on everything and every day at once. It was much needed. It gives me so much hope that I will be able to be a truck driver, and I mean mentally. Believing in myself and that I can do the job is half the battle and I am starting to believe again. You know you can believe in whatever you like literally. That is how people work by their beliefs. The only belief that people get wrong is not believing in Jesus, but it is the only belief that matters because He is God. Hard pill for some people to swallow. If I can ask you a question. There are many religions across the world and beliefs in other god’s, other than Jesus. Would you say with all these different beliefs in different god’s someone has to be wrong? Just food for thought. It feels good to write today. I am all over the place still, but I am able to write better again. This is soooooooo good for me. I am blessed once again. Now to seize this opportunity and not to shove it back in my savior’s face. I have been in some real darkness and deep denial about myself and my life. I live the life of a drug addict. Pieces of shit car, no friends, using all day, not taking care of my hygiene, and not caring what happens to me or my stuff. I have neglected myself and am still playing with fire for money and not getting this person out of my life. It is not even getting them out as much as it is putting up a wall and letting go of the money to be able to struggle so that when I become a truck driver again, I don’t take that income for granted. I am counting on you…Dezaray. End.