Silent Tears-

It is only around 3 right now and I am yawning being so tired. I had a horrible day yesterday and didn’t journal about it which makes it harder to deal with it today. Me and my mom had finally split. I was convinced that our relationship was over. However, I was outside smoking yesterday and she drove by and then she parked in the driveway, and we talked. She told me my feelings were wrong then I called her out on it, and she went into such detail that I got lost in what she was telling me except I know what she was saying was complete bullshit. She thinks she had broken the cycle of dysfunction, and she hasn’t. She has passed it down to me. The only way to really break that cycle is not to reproduce. She asked me if I still wanted help getting my car fixed and I said yes. So, we went to Walmart and they were busy, so I made an appointment for 17:30. We then ran some errands, and she helped me make a payment on my phone bill. Being in her presence was such a burden on me. I wanted to cry two different times but didn’t because I was with her. Then after, it came so naturally to just stuff my feelings and continue on in numbness. It was like I am not worth the fight. I am not worth the suffering I need to change my life. It isn’t her that has to change it is me. I told her these things, and she brought me back to Walmart by my car and we split ways. She is not going to call me she said, and I can’t reach out to her right now. I have taken on this old Dezaray who claims to love everyone and accepts everyone and is happy all the time. This is incongruent with who I really am. It is a mask I wear to protect myself from rejection and being hurt by others. I have taken the focus off me again because of it. I find myself having self-talk as me and my mom when it is just I. I have entered back into a co-dependent relationship that has no positive emotional or mental effect on me, it only harms me in those ways. So here I am sicker than yesterday because I people pleased and avoided being assertive to get what I really want her out of my life and to stay out of my life. It is not her that I want nothing to do with it is the dysfunction and I can’t have a healthy relationship with her…it is just not possible. Two sick people don’t make one healthy person. So, I am so tired today. I went to a 12-step morning meeting and another in person 12-step meeting and I am mentally and emotionally drained. I got the best compliment today though. That sobriety looks good on me and that I look good. I have been so hard on myself and so disgusted with myself because I went from a size 12 to 22 in about 3-4 months. I mean 100 lbs. In that amount of time that is scary. I wanted to keep my body, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to. I am too sick to concern myself with how I look as I know it is protection to keep men away from me. Getting clean this time does feel different. It just felt different today though credit to12-step groups. It is only going to be different if I work a recovery program. I am going to do the 12 steps as I feel like I will die if I have to go on this way. It is important to note that the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change. Staying in this mindset with my mother as my mother is suffocating me. When I am set in my mind that she was just the instrument of my existence then I am free of her and the dysfunction. She said some things about me and how she thinks what I think about my family…family of origin. I don’t care for my family because we are not a family. It is all dysfunctional with no real love. I had this skewed perception of love since I was little but if anything, I know what love is not. Jesus Christ of the bible is still teaching me about love. It is most important right now not for me to love others but to love myself first. I need to have self-respect and dignity, things that I lost but need back. It is hard to think about everything I have done in the past year and how I wish I would have done differently with it all, but I can’t change the past and there is a lesson in all of it. Something I needed to know in each relapse. Like I wasn’t in recovery when I stopped using for periods of time, I was just abstinent from drugs and alcohol. I no longer desire to do this on my own but want to be my own person and be my true self every day for the rest of my life. I have to get out of this mother and family mindset again it is killing me. It is hard to do with leaving the door open for me and my mother’s relationship. I will have to change this time though. I am blessed. I am ready for bed and got a lot done today. A week clean today with a lot of mental healing in those 7 days. I don’t want to lose what I have gained. With hope…End.