Silent Tears-

I am having an off day. I would classify it as bad, but it hasn’t been all the way bad. I am having heating issues in my apartment AGAIN. I hate this apartment, and I hate my life again. I hate it here in Wisconsin too. I think a lot of it has to do with not getting a good night’s sleep in almost a week. I think this place is going to be bad for me instead of a good reference like I need. I feel guilty for even saying anything to them because they make me feel like I am doing wrong. It is my place to notify them if I am having issues with anything in the apartment, one so they can fix it and keep their property nice but no. I am the bad guy for being responsible. I will be honest I haven’t said the best things, but I am still right to say something. I went shopping today and found a rare book that I had wanted for years. There were like 10 of them and I bought 4. One is a gift for my mom. I have not broken the ambilocal cord from my mother in my head. I am weighed down by the thoughts that she is still in my life. I wish I could make it on my own. I wish I wouldn’t have gambled all that money away. I wish…I wish…I wish. If I say it 3 times fast, can I change the past? No. I am stuck financially. It causes me so much stress. I got everything I wanted with that money to gamble and neglected all my needs. I don’t want to live this way anymore, in poverty. I want to be healed I want a nice place to live I want a better car. I am shaming myself this is not helpful. I am frustrated with myself and with my life. There is nowhere for me to go but right where I am at and even worse, I feel powerless over it all. I hate that feeling like there is not a damn thing I can do to change my circumstances. I want a different life. Hey reader…I will trade you. I don’t think I could pay someone to take my life and live it, but everyone has a price so maybe I am wrong. I am stuck in confusion in my head. This comes from my mother telling me my feelings are wrong. It does psychological damage to me, and she just doesn’t stop. I have to change though. I have to just end it in my head and leave her without saying a word. I don’t know how easy it will be for me to find a job. I read a Facebook post with a guy in a similar situation. He was disabled and has no work history, so it is hard for him to find a job. I am dismayed. I am playing the victim role. Jeez this is bad. Living in denial and in dysfunction is what caused this. If I would have had a healthier mind I would have done differently like I did before. I feel lost, without a purpose. I guess it fits. How can I have a purpose when I just sit home every day and don’t do much. Well sounds like a lot of complaining again and that is not a healthy place to be. So, bad day, ok. I am going to cook for fun tonight. I hope it turns out. It is not hard this one. Steak, potatoes, and green beans. My life being so shitty is one of the main reasons that I don’t even want to go to heaven. I would rather just sleep and never wake up because then and only then would I have a sound mind and peace. My mind has been on me from the very beginning this morning. What do I need? An attitude adjustment. Alright, 5 things I am grateful for 1. the sun 2. having green eyes 3. having my hair back 4. living alone 5. space heater. I will end. End.