Silent Tears-

What an eventful day. I went to my daily12-step meeting as well as an in-person 12-step meeting. At the beginning of the meeting my best friend messaged me saying hello. I was so happy she has been on my heart a lot lately with being back in recovery and her not being my sponsor. I originally wanted her to be my sponsor again, but I don’t think that will be helpful to our relationship. I actually think it could tear us apart again and I don’t want that. So anyways we talked a little bit, and we are likely going to meet in-person and talk. I expect it to be an emotional hard day, but it is worth it to me. I am worth having love in my life and she is worth it to love again and let back in. I acknowledge that I have hurt her, and I am not looking forward to the pain I will feel when she tells me she has been hurt and how I hurt her. I know I need to cry some with her for healing. It is hard for me to put her needs as important to me because I am just learning how to put myself and my feelings before others. I am really vulnerable when it comes to her because she was my best friend and I loved her. Notice it is in past tense. It is not to say that she is not my best friend or that I don’t love her but that there is closure on our old relationship and to start a new relationship with her. Wow so many intense feelings. I hate this about bi-polar, everything is so intense it wears me right out. I slept really good last night. It was much needed. I have had many thoughts about going to the casino and I fear when I get money that I will go. I am working on correcting my thinking especially when it comes to relapsing in any way. I say to myself this is just an urge you do not have to use, or this is just a thought just because I tell myself I want to gamble doesn’t mean I have to. Ah it is being a slave to sin or a slave to righteousness. Being a slave to sin kills my soul. I felt like my old self today after talking to her but also after writing a few pages about her and our relationship. It is very emotional for me and that is where I am weakest, along with mentally, but I am getting a little better each day. Just a smidge everyday but it is better than where I have been lately, in total darkness. The bottom line is I love my best friend whether she is in my life or not… I love her. So, a new chapter of my life has begun… with or without her but hopefully with her. What is most scary is to know that I have to hear how I hurt her and that I cannot react, I need to sit there and listen to her feelings and validate them, because her feelings are valid whether I agree or not my feelings are valid whether she agrees with them or not. I am scared, because it is important to me. With hope I will end. End.