Silent Tears-

I have finally cried last night about everything. I am starting to get to a place of regret and remorse for what I have done. I can’t live with the fact that I wasted $25,000 at the casino. I want that money back so bad and I can’t get it back. It hurts. I have failed myself. It doesn’t make sense. I know I wanted a new nice vehicle, and I bought one but then returned it and then I still didn’t buy a nice vehicle. I am so angry that I followed Dave Ramsey’s advice. I got a car I hated, a Honda Civic. I am not a normal person I can’t do what normal people do even when it comes to money. That was my effort at trying and I regret it and now I wish I would have done anything else but what I did with it.

I guess that is a lesson to learn. You can’t go back with what you do good and bad. How do I correct this? I can’t make it right. So, how do I make a living amends to myself? I read today we might get a $5,000 DOGE stimulus check. I would be so grateful for that. What would I spend it on? Bills, new vehicle, but I still can’t get the vehicle I want now. REGRET! I hate it. It feels like poison in my veins. A hate, a burning pain which won’t go away. I have to forgive myself and let this one go because it can’t be fixed just like when I broke the law it can never be fixed. I will have always done it. Pain. I am too dissociated to feel all the pain of this. Ugh, how I want this life to end. Where having the best vehicle means you are doing well in life. Where having your own home means you are rich. Just why? Why am I the lowest of lows and why do I care so much to be like a Jones? I still want to be normal and that is never going to happen either. I will end my rant with… if I hadn’t made that mistake with that money would I ever really want to quit gambling? End.