Silent Tears-

I feel angry right now. I have had a good day…surprisingly. I went to a 12-step meeting where I did some non-dominant handwriting and it gave me so much healing. Immediately following the meeting, I felt better. I am going to attend that one again. What did I do today? LOL! I can’t remember…I went shopping and went to my mom’s. I was able to handle her better because of that meeting today. I have been watching the UFC and talking to my best friend. I am angry at her. I shared with her that I used and that I wonder and wandered when it came to God and she didn’t respond yet. Maybe she was just busy? Doesn’t make sense though when we were talking regularly through messenger. That is one thing that I don’t like about her but wish that I was like that but that is not true to who I am. When I am in a conversation with someone I talk, and I react/respond. Reacting is not good it usually comes from not being able to handle the situation or emotions. Responding is better and is more controlled and I get better responses from others when I respond not react. I wrote a letter of how I felt about my best friend, and I thought that I needed her, and I needed her to be my sponsor again or I just wouldn’t make it, but I know now that is not true. I will make it either way and it is God’s will that she is not my sponsor. I held her thoughts and opinions higher than mine and I can’t live my life letting other’s thoughts influence my choices like to the extent that I will do whatever the person says over my own gut feeling. My gut feeling is a huge NO. I deserve to make my own choices and start over with another woman especially since I am a completely different woman than I was with my best friend before. I am feeling mentally strong. Being clean and having that med change at the same time is doing it for me. The meetings are key too. I have to add a relationship with God in now. I can tell I need Him and that I don’t go to Him like I need. I still try to rely on my own will power which, God HELP ME NOW! I can’t do it of my own strength I will fail without a doubt. She responded just now I will pause so I can write about this later. Pause. She had no response seem fishy to me, maybe it is a respect thing…If you got nothing nice to say then say nothing at all type deal thing. I think it is going to be really challenging to have a relationship with her again because I am not the same. I will say something now instead of just letting her get away with stuff. I am not giving up my power today and that is an accomplishment in my life today. GOOD JOB DEZARAY! I’ve got this!…I don’t have it licked but I am going to do this. Now I have to watch out for Satan blind siding me and setting me up to fail. I feel icky. I don’t like this. This is coming from the conversation with my best friend. Damn. Well, it might be icky for a little bit until we work through the hard stuff. Maybe I just need to accept it is not going to be the same. I will end the conversation with her and go on with my night. End.