Silent Tears-

I have been avoiding you. I have been hidden from the face of the Lord because of my sins. I went to the church down the street that is helping me pay for my rent this month. I can breathe again. I am not Catholic, nor will I ever be, but God is present in the Catholic church. I had started this blog in obedience and service to the Lord but all I have done is what I have wanted to do. My own will at every decision and choice I have made. The Lord gave me breath today. I am not worthy. He is to be glorified in all my sufferings and in the day I will overcome. When I overcome, and I will, not I but He will do it for me. When that time comes He will get all the glory. I have not wanted my mother out of my life. I have yelled at her, called her a bitch, and been disrespectful towards her when in her heart she just wants to help me. I have kicked her out at least 3 times within the last 4 months believing that I want a way out of our dysfunctional relationship, and I still do want out of the dysfunction, but what I really wanted out of was my sins and my sorrows. Can you tell I went to church today? I can… I feel it… the power of God relieving me of my guilt for my sins I have committed after knowing Jesus Christ personally and seeing his beautiful face. His face I only got to see for a short period of time, but He sees me, He sees my heart, He still loves me, and He still died for me, He alone is worthy of all praise, honor, and glory. I can’t remember the last time I wrote but I did it again this month. I went to the casino with my left-over money and went with my rent money and lost it all but $100 and only paid that on my rent. How broken am I? Broken. I hope I am broken into pieces that will bring a sweet aroma pleasing the Lord. My head is not on straight. I need time before I can be a truck driver again. I need clean time, emotional sobriety time, and time away from gambling and ALL my sins… and to never return to my vomit again. I am still in mental pain, but a weight has been lifted off of me I physically feel lighter. God is good and I am wretched. Good thing I am not God and that Jesus gives me the free gift, I have no money I gambled it all away, the free gift of Salvation. Amen…to be continued. End.