Silent Tears-

I am realizing that my anonymity in 12 step programs is part of our traditions so I will be correcting it to “a 12-group”. I also realized I have committed crimes to support my gambling addiction and will be very vague about this topic as the law doesn’t care about me and will happily lock my ass up for anything they deem necessary. I am stressed. I messaged my landlord about me not paying my full rent and he said he would review it and get back to me. I hope he has compassion on me and works this out with me. I have prayed about it, finally praying again, so the rest is up to God. I am realizing I am a very sensitive person. I put on this mask that I have skin like a rhinoceros but that is who and what I had to be to survive and to survive my childhood. Deep breath with stress. Where to start… I don’t have any real followers but don’t want to let you down, Silent Tears. How to explain the insanity of my addictive behavior. I explained it this way…I feel like someone is suffocating me with a pillow and I can’t breathe yet I can’t die either. Just stuck in the pain and uncertainty. I prefer the emotional upset of gambling so I can feel better when I get out of trouble. Truth is the problems will still be there if I don’t work a 12-step program. I am hurting while still putting on the show of my feelings. I got really vulnerable in a meeting, and I shared my true feelings. I was afraid and cried the whole time. This is how fearful I am of sharing my real feelings. Also, while I was sharing the truth I still let my fears control me by limiting what I was saying, trying not to offend anyone when in reality if I offend someone maybe that means they heard me and later they will change. All big “I don’t know’s”. I do know that this sucks. The past 3 years of my life have been a roller coaster ride. Starting at the top with a truck driving job and going down into addiction and continuing to spiral downward into the depths jail, mental health institution, homeless, bankrupt, and spiritually bankrupt. There is a comeback though and it might not even be this time that I get it right, but one day clean, without placing a bet, and emotional sobriety, is one day in the past that can never be taken from me. My best friend is back. We haven’t talked yet about our hurts. How I hurt her and how she hurt me. I fear this because I have to open up and talk about my feelings without taking my feelings out on her, listening to her and taking responsibility for my part. It is not an easy thing, and my emotions are so unstable that I fear what will happen. Hey, here is a great point…I love her…and she loves me BACK, so I will get through this. Me, her and God will get through this. Shaking hands right now. A lot of anxiety right now. I have a 12-step group in 2 minutes, so…to be continued. End.