Silent Tears-

What a meeting I just went to…the hurt. How I can relate to the trauma of others. This came up for me, so I have come to you, Silent Tears, first. I was told by my mother…”You were such a happy baby. Then one day you cried.” Then my mother told me how I was first sexually abused as a baby under 1 years old. She told me how she walked into the bathroom and found me sitting on a man’s lap with no diaper on.

God, the pain. I can’t even cry about it right now when that is the natural/normal response to cry about it. This also came up for me. When was the moment that you knew something was wrong or just your first memory. My first memory that I can pin point dysfunction is when I was in my snowsuit playing in my snow fort and not a person knew or cared. That is my first experience with lonliness. That is when I knew as a child. Soft breath released. Pain mixed with a soft loving spirit. I learned today, that no matter what any other living person , or dead person says, I am not the crazy one. My mother is. That is where I get my crazy from, her as a parent, in my childhood. I went to foster care and this confirms my statement. Why would the state put me in foster care if my home life was good? Or did they just want me to stop smoking pot, which, at the time, was breaking the law? That is self doubt that I live with in my head. Ofcourse I can’t trust myself when I am told my feelings and perceptions are wrong. More coming from my mother and I have just let her back in my life. I chose to though for my own wellbeing. I need help with my finances so I don’t gamble and can have money to live. It is a tough spot to be in, but this I am certain of…I will have to let her go to save my own mental health. It is that deep and bad with her. The thing that I can take away from today is that in all my entries since I have started Silent Tears (01/2024) I have done it alone. I have tried to do it all on my own and I can’t.

I need help…I need people…I need…myself. It is going to be a lot of work to do what I want to do, and it takes a lot of courage to take the first step. It takes even more courage to ask for a sponsor. I will keep this is my head for a little bit before I pray about it, so that I can feel confident in my choice and then let God take care of the results. To be continued…End.