Silent Tears-

I need myself. I just had the worst nightmare. I spent time with a girl today from a 12-step group. She was in my nightmare. I was with her and everything was fine and I thought she had dropped me off at my apartment in real life like she did today. Then I found out the next day that I had spent time with her and that we did sexual acts together and videotaped it. Then she showed me the video tape of it. Then it went to where I was just carrying on with life a little bit and she and I were talking about my lack of memory of what really took place. Then I said to her wanting to silence her that if she kept on me about it that I would show the video to people and that being in psychosis wasn’t true because otherwise “how would I know about the video?” It was like it was really happening. That is one thing that has changed from this last bi-polar episode is that my nightmares of from PTSD, it is like they are really happening. I empathize with veterans who suffer from this exact same thing only their nightmares are usually about war and the things they seen, heard, and done in war times. Silencing this girl was my goal because I didn’t want to hear about it. How sick I was or how off I was. It is an internal conflict for me to even trust what I think. I am always checking and double checking to make sure I am right on simple things like the date. If I can’t remember what day it is it creates this self-doubt that I carry with me the whole day. The sexual acts: I have thought about being sexual with a woman more like a desire. However, I really don’t want to be because I know it is wrong and biblically wrong and it could cost me my spot in heaven and that I know I don’t want. I think this desire has come from being molested by my cousin as she was a woman and that desire has been there since. Maybe in some sick way I still want to be accepted and loved by my cousin so if I am with another woman, it makes her acts with me less powerful and would please her. Back to my nightmare. So, after that it went into a bunch of scenes really fast. One was I was on video again with another woman sexually but had no memory of it and my mom had seen it. Then I was on my phone trying to call my doctor’s office to get help because I was afraid of going back to prison. I had my phone and was looking for the contacts because they are in my phone contacts now. I tried and tried and couldn’t find their phone number. Then it was like I was back in psychosis; this happened throughout the rest of the nightmare. At one point I had the phone of the man who offered me a job today. I kept going back to my mother and she kept saying you need help. I knew I needed help, but I had to have her on my bank account first so that I wouldn’t lose my apartment I had now. If she had access to my bank account, she could pay my rent for me while I was in a mental hospital. This is all in the nightmare. I was trying franticly to get help to go to the hospital but couldn’t, anyway I tried I couldn’t get help. Then I was wandering around at night and seen some people outside in camping chairs as if they were going to watch fireworks and they tried to get me to stay by them by asking me to stay and I said no and continued on. Then I was fearful and knew that someone had called the cops. I was frantically looking for help. In the end 5 ambulances showed up to take me away. I was on the back of a flatbed trailer and fell to my knees in relief that they were there not the cops. Then fear came over me. Then they opened all the doors of the ambulances and baby ducks came out and at me from every side. I immediately smiled and felt joy holding the first baby duck. Then it was like God had showed up and I knew I was ok and so did everyone else. My takeaway is that 1. I need therapy but don’t trust the authorities because they really don’t care. They have their beliefs about psychology and will impose their will on me regardless of if it causes me any kind of pain. 2. at Mendota Mental health institution, they used to always snap my underwear when they pat searched me. Every time they did this it was an I hate you and it was more trauma for me. Fucking people…just doing their job…but that is not their job that is hate otherwise why do it? 3. I have to use my voice when people touch me, at all, and use my voice to make it clear to someone that if they touch me, even though they don’t mean any harm, that it is not ok. And I have to be assertive to tell people I don’t like to be touched. I am fearful to stand up for myself this way. I have survived, being strong, to just overlook it and not feel real emotions. I can no longer do this, and I don’t want to stand up for myself because then there is conflict. Then I am vulnerable, I am open to feel all the pain. More pain! I hate this. It is no reason to place a bet or pick up a drink or drug though. This can be healed through crying and 12-step work. I think I am up for the day, and I am so worn out already. This makes for a tough day. Maybe I will try to get some more sleep. My space heater rambles now because I ran into it yesterday and I got woke up because I was cold and my temperature wasn’t right. Maybe I will go back to bed. To be continued…End.