Silent Tears-

So much for a good day. I can’t sleep. The lady from the local pizza place finally called me back after two weeks and I did NOT get the job. I asked myself today if I really wanted to work there and I told myself, no, but knew it could be beneficial to my mental health and help me get a different apartment, so I was really hopeful that would go right too, but it didn’t. I love typing on this computer and sorting out my thoughts. It has helped me get back some of what I lost in my bi-polar episode where I blacked out (went into psychosis). I am OK though. I think the Lord really wants me to chase after His heart and go through this trail with money and learn how to be a good servant. The matter is to be His servant, do His will, and not follow strong emotions or desires. I know where that will get me, a place so deep and dark I wouldn’t know if I would ever find myself a way out again. My mistakes and sins already haunt me so much now. They are still fresh. To learn to obey God’s authority when all I do is buck those who have power over me. In any way really, parents, bosses, trainers, pretty much anyone with power over me at some point. I don’t like it and get myself into trouble mainly with my mouth. When she called today, she gave me this big sch-peal about how the college kids are coming back and they have all they need right now. I know that’s a line of B.S. I see the same van parked out there almost every day and all day too. She just didn’t want to give me a chance because I was truthful and told her about my mental illness. I told myself her loss, but when it is everyone’s loss and I am the one who loses out on an opportunity or money, I lose, I suffer, I hurt. I have been thinking of all the work I will have to put into you, Silent Tears, after the initial setup, to go through all 3 of my notebooks and re-write them, I really don’t want to do it. When I think of it, I want to do it but when I think of the work it is overwhelming. I think that is what I am to do though. I have the time. It will help me go over what I have written and see how far I have come this year. I am thinking links to Silent Tears Vol. 1., Silent Tears Vol. 2, and Silent Tears Vol. 3 and then pick up right here. I have no idea how to get people aware of my blog or them to be able to find it. I am going to ask my cousin for help. We know a lot of the same people and I am going to ask her to make a post on her Facebook page and tag all her friends. I don’t know if she will do it yet. Family is… I hate my family. The dynamics. My cousin (a different one) who is a girl molested me when I was a freshman in high school. How’s that for a loving family? It messed with me up until I became a believer in Jesus Christ and got baptized in 2017. So do the math about 18 years. I actually thought I was a lesbian at one point because of this and no men actually want/wanted to get to know me. Truth is sex is easier when I am not emotionally connected to it. Now is a good time as any… I have never actually made love in my lifetime. I have had mostly one-night stands and never a serious relationship, and yes, I have had sex, but not making love, there is a difference. I at least know that. I don’t want to love it hurts too much. There is one person who I have considered as my soul mate, but he is a taken man, so that ends that. I still have emotions about it. I just cried about it yesterday telling God, ” You know I just wanted one, one man to call my own. One who would love me and me alone.” No man has actually loved me in my lifetime considering I have no earthly father. I do have a heavenly father who loves me so much though. I am tired. My vision is going wonky. I can’t sleep though. I think mainly because I fell asleep after midnight last night. I am just a writing maniac these days. I think it is because I am so excited about this. It means a lot to me. To have a purpose when the world rejects you over and over again. to have a life even though I won’t be working and focusing on this and getting better. I get stressed over thinking about having to do things. Like if I telll myself I am doing nothing tomorrow then I am OK, but I have told myself that I am watching my pastor online tomorrow, cooking, and cleaning and taking a shower mid-day, and I take deep breaths with stress over it. I guess that is why they called me disabled. It will get better it has been this bad before and it has gotten a lot better, but it took 10 years to recover from my first bi-polar episode in prison. That is a horror story. Well since I can’t sleep, I might as well get it out now. There was this one night in prison. I don’t remember that day or all of what happened. I was naked when they carried me into this room, and I don’t even know how I became naked. I was strapped down naked to a tall cement bed. Strapped down with velcro. It had a cement incline as a pillow. There were people standing around, one was a doctor and they IV injected me with something in my arm and then I don’t remember. I didn’t remember that night until March/April 2022. My mind blocked it out to protect itself and me. I was spitting trying to do anything to get them away from me and then I don’t remember. I don’t know how I got out of that room either. The following days I do remember I was naked with cement bed and a piece of rubber. No clothes, no blanket, no pillow just another cell with a silver bucket and faucet with cement walls. Except the wall where the door was that was all see through. The guards, men and women just walked by seeing me butt naked. It was so degrading. I remember while I was in this cell that I hadn’t had my period in a while and finally it came like a big mess. I thought to myself that I miscarried, but knew I was in prison and didn’t have sex. My mom told me years later that when she spoke to my attorney, she said they had me on prenatal pills. Why the pills if no baby? Why strap me down, but to have his way with me. I believe I was raped. Only God knows. I have asked myself how do I live with the possibility that I could have a child in heaven, I know nothing about and didn’t get a chance to keep it? I can’t live with that. I say to myself I have never bared any children. That is one of the saddest parts of my story. I have to be so clear with the words so that it is true and yet still protective of my heart. Deep breath with stress relief. I think that’s enough for tonight even if I can’t sleep for a while. That one stings, real bad. Hard to describe that kind of pain. I remember crying being tied down but have never cried about it. I’ll end.