Silent Tears-

I wasn’t going to write today simply because it was going to be too hard. However, I had a major event happen and I need to get it out. My neighbor asked me if I was hungry and if I wanted to go out to eat. I said yes knowing we were going to a bar, and I knew clearly after she stated that she said she didn’t say she wasn’t going to drink. I am doing this recovery thing this time. I got clean one day and went to one meeting and it has changed everything. My neighbor wanted to stay at the bar and keep drinking. I reacted and said if you want to find another way home you can, but I am not staying for another drink. I was quick to react and it did sound angry. I did the cocaine last night not wanting to stay clean. I wasn’t going to today either, but events dictated different. So, time to be an adult and get a job and get the hell out of this apartment building. This is a complete disaster. I don’t belong here but if I don’t get a job, I will be homeless again. The landlord already doesn’t like me and now I am sure my neighbor will be blabbing this all around and it will come back on me. Life lesson neighbors stay neighbors they don’t become friends. I knew we weren’t really friends anyways so why did I want to people please so badly to jeopardize myself? I am certain of one thing I have to come first. Everything else will follow. It has been a day from hell, and I am tired I can’t think straight. It was not worth it to use for one more time on one more day and on top to ignore the Holy Spirit and still go out to eat. Here is the most painful thing I acted like my mother today. I had told my neighbor to get out of my car after an argument and she wouldn’t, so I pulled over and told her to get out of my car. My mother did this to me as a child it was the worst feeling in the world. I am starting to get it though… how sick I am and how much help I really need. I need it all. I need a 12-step program, church, I need a job. I need JESUS and no other. With time…clean time…getting healthy time. I know that my thoughts are incomplete, but I still want to write this so that maybe someone can see my mental illness and get wisdom I have to go I am way too tired. End.