Silent Tears-

I am fearful. Fearful my life is going to stay this way. I see hope and the Lord making a way, but I simply don’t trust it, this, Him. I see hope in getting a nice apartment with a good landlord. I see Him coming through for me in getting this correctional officer who abused me, but I am scared. What if it doesn’t happen? What if my attorney doesn’t take the case and file. What am I to do then? This does have a lot to do with money. I am becoming grateful that I learned this lesson with money and gambling. If I would have done different with my back pay money I could still be gambling. In my heart of hearts, I need this guy to pay for what he did to me. I want him to be a convicted felon. In my mind I want this guy to pay and come out with money. Money again to change my life. I have prayed and told the Lord that if He would bless me with money from this case that I would first pay off all my debt including my student loans. If I get the chance. My focus right now is on how to convince this attorney to take my case. I need to say to him that I became suicidal over it, that I need him to get this guy for me. Ask the attorney, “Don’t you want to be the good guy getting the bad guy?” I mean say something to hear my plea and stir up in him to fight for me. A good pep talk kind of thing. I am scared he’ll just say, “no”. I want to beg him to take it, but that is part of my dysfunctional behavior, begging until I get what I want. I know not to beg just to ask and speak. It is actually required that I don’t beg because that is how I am dysfunctional. I have to wait at least until Monday because my attorney is now out of the office. It’s painful to wait like this, with the unknown. I am already planning in my head for this money when I simply don’t have it or even have an attorney. It is how I am sick still, living in a fantasy in my head where I have all the money in the world to just buy whatever I want. Living in my head with reasons why not to buy a vehicle but I have $140 in my bank account and can’t afford any type of vehicle. I can’t even get a car loan. This is a desire to have a nice vehicle and be socially accepted by the world based on the newness and expensive car I would drive. That is sick. People do accept you based on the type of vehicle you drive they just think you have money. I do that. I see people driving Ford Explorer’s and think it must be nice to be rich. The truth is I don’t know anything about their finances or life. They could be $50,000 in debt to drive that vehicle, or they could be homeless driving that vehicle. My distorted perception of money. I’ll end. End.