Silent Tears-

Instead of selling my truck today I sold my car instead. I thought I would feel better having money, but I don’t. I actually feel worse and more stress. I didn’t pray about it. I just did it impulsively. I wanted money today so I did whatever I wanted to do to get the money…what I wanted. This is the behavior that is killing me. That makes me disobedient to the Holy Spirit and takes over my mind. I get something in my head and it doesn’t change until I do it, until I get what I want. Then I am left with my choice I made and the feelings associated with it. I didn’t have a hard time selling my car. I didn’t really like my car to begin with. I did it listening to financial peace university. I can’t live like that though. I have to have some enjoyment with my life. I wasn’t liking the sound system I put in and I got into two accidents with it. Now I am trying to justify my actions. It is like when the hell will this end? Pain! WHY and WHEN? If I only knew the answers to those questions. So, now I have money, but I know I will be self-willing an apartment. I am going to try anyways because living here makes me nervous. An FYI this is what my bi-polar does…. I am in a low, but still have mania everyday coupled with anxiety. I am on a constant roller coaster ride always wanting to get off but can’t get off the ride. It comes in thoughts, then such strong desires, and then the impatience. I lost control today. I guess thinking I have control over it is the issue. I may never be of a sound mind again, but I can discipline my mind and my thoughts. I was simply too weak today. Too weak to carry on without doing something to change my future. I always take it back from the Lord. My task for the past few days has been silence, solidarity, and surrender. I have failed at that. I don’t know what is required of me to surrender. I don’t understand it but need to learn it. Silence gets to me sometimes and sometimes it heals me. I get tired of feeling helpless and defeated internally and externally. Being alone is nice. I feel less pain. I feel like I have been going non-stop for weeks. Basically, I started doing tasks daily instead of just sitting home and coping. This is how normal people have it so well…They can just do the tasks AND work. I have a hard time doing my dishes. I know it won’t stay this way; I have hope, I fear I am going to destroy my life again by doing self-will. Well, I did it today, I am just hoping to land on solid ground. Stressed and don’t know how to express it all. End.