Silent Tears-

I am so depressed. I have been writing too much. I haven’t been taking time to feel my feelings or listen to my own thoughts. Actually I listen to m y own thoughts, but they control me still. I sold my car yesterday and today it is like I am waking up to a nightmare with money still. I have my truck and keep it to be able to move my stuff when the time comes and sold my car because I could get more money for it. Well, I jipped myself. I sold it with a system and sub-woofer and extra rims and tires for 2,500. Today my breaks locked up on my truck and now I am going to have to spend the extra money on new breaks. I am so disappionted in myself. I still am repeating the same mistakes. Disobeying, doing whatever I want to get the money I wanted and not thinking of the long term consequences. I need to be going to church to hear the word of God. I need it a lot. This week with Thanksgiving and bible study canceled and women’s prayer group I became this weak mentally to fail myself and get my needs met instead of my wants met. Now it is the same. I still can’t go on this way. I am getting burned by myself. It is difficult when the battle is in my mind, but there is additional pain of spiritual warfare too. WHY? Again, I am back to asking God…WHY? How I wish I was anyone but me today. How I wish to have a job to get to work and complain about having to go to work but have the money to be able to provide for myself and come home on the weekends and totally enjoy kicking back and having some fun. If you are a normal person and you have this… you have a great life compared to me and some others. I will buy a used cell phone and probably get a lower phone bill, but not until I move. I use my phone to watch my pastor and can’t part with it until I move and get Wi-Fi. Where to go now? Likely right where I am at just with less life. I did not surrender my life to Jesus yet. I don’t want to give up control. Lord says, I am to stay home more and surrender…silence, solidarity, and surrender. When people are working on their insides know it is grueling and painful especially when you fail at it. I landed today, not on solid ground though. I am worse off than when this began, with not being content with my life. It sucks to desire more and have no way out of poverty…YET. Lord willing, my day will come. It will come after not working a job but having an inward change…a change of my heart. I will be a truck driver again, the Lord will deliver me from this, and He will blow the trumpet call of God soon and my suffering will end, eternally. End.